I’m stuck in a way that I can’t fix. I can’t seem to ask for the help I really need. I can’t see a way out of this mess. I just can’t.
This is the personality change I don’t know how to handle. I don’t know what makes me so stuck.
I can’t bear to:
- make a phone call
- to answer the phone
- leave the house even though I know it would make me feel better
- call my friend Luz even though she always makes me feel better and more like me
- walk the dog
- start a project in the house
- think about the laundry or the garbage or…I don’t know. Just trying to think of items to write on this bullet point makes me anxious
- even think about the grocery store
- get out of bed
Anything that requires more than a few steps might seems infinite to me. It’s as if my ability to count is now:
- seventy five point eight six two
And I gotta say, three is a stretch.
To make a phone call…
Usually means I have to leave a message and hope somebody calls me back. If they don’t, it may be a month before I remember to call them again. And the thought of it makes my heart race and my stomach churn.
To answer the phone…
Usually means I have a bill I have forgotten to pay, or there is something wrong with my daughter’s school, or it’s a telemarketer. That’s actually the easy one. I can just hang up. No strings attached.
Otherwise, I have to find my wallet and a credit card, hope it’s not maxed out or otherwise shut down, or write down something I have to do at another time and that’s the worst thing. Because I can’t follow up.
To leave the house…
Messes with my sense of time. I don’t know whether I’ll be back in time for, I don’t know…something I’m supposed to be at home for? To see my kid? To make phone calls during business hours…phone calls that I’m not actually going to make…but if I stay at the house, I might just get one of those fuckers done.
OH HELLLLLLLLLLL I AM FALLING AGAIN
My head is so fuzzy today. I was ok this morning because I was putting off thinking about my responsibilities. Now that I am trying to think about them or write about them, I am starting to fall into the abyss.
Offspring will be home in twenty minutes and then I have to try to be Mom and try not to be so confused and self-absorbed and such a mess.
I can imagine falling down the well, just like a couple days ago…crying for two days straight…the sight of BF’s face when he sees I’ve taken a turn for the worse. I don’t want that again. I need to interrupt this pattern.
I just texted Luz and she is coming over in a little while. Maybe a friendly face…of someone who doesn’t need me to be all that together…will help.