help. i am falling

I’m stuck in a way that I can’t fix. I can’t seem to ask for the help I really need. I can’t see a way out of this mess. I just can’t.

This is the personality change I don’t know how to handle. I don’t know what makes me so stuck.

I can’t bear to:

• make a phone call
• to answer the phone
• leave the house even though I know it would make me feel better
• call my friend Luz even though she always makes me feel better and more like me
• walk the dog
• start a project in the house
• think about the laundry or the garbage or…I don’t know. Just trying to think of items to write on this bullet point makes me anxious
• even think about the grocery store
• get out of bed

Anything that requires more than a few steps might seems infinite to me. It’s as if my ability to count is now:

• one
• two
• three
• seventy five point eight six two
• infinity

And I gotta say, three is a stretch.

To make a phone call…

Usually means I have to leave a message and hope somebody calls me back. If they don’t, it may be a month before I remember to call them again. And the thought of it makes my heart race and my stomach churn.

To answer the phone…

Usually means I have a bill I have forgotten to pay, or there is something wrong with my daughter’s school, or it’s a telemarketer. That’s actually the easy one. I can just hang up. No strings attached.

Otherwise, I have to find my wallet and a credit card, hope it’s not maxed out or otherwise shut down, or write down something I have to do at another time and that’s the worst thing. Because I can’t follow up.

To leave the house…

Messes with my sense of time. I don’t know whether I’ll be back in time for, I don’t know…something I’m supposed to be at home for? To see my kid? To make phone calls during business hours…phone calls that I’m not actually going to make…but if I stay at the house, I might just get one of those fuckers done.

 

OH HELLLLLLLLLLL I AM FALLING AGAIN

My head is so fuzzy today. I was ok this morning because I was putting off thinking about my responsibilities. Now that I am trying to think about them or write about them, I am starting to fall into the abyss.

Offspring will be home in twenty minutes and then I have to try to be Mom and try not to be so confused and self-absorbed and such a mess.

I can imagine falling down the well, just like a couple days ago…crying for two days straight…the sight of BF’s face when he sees I’ve taken a turn for the worse. I don’t want that again. I need to interrupt this pattern.

 

I just texted Luz and she is coming over in a little while. Maybe a friendly face…of someone who doesn’t need me to be all that together…will help.