matching underwear

Today I don’t want to die.


hover me

BF came over to my house at the end of his day to meet a smiley loving GF, not a snotty sobbing mess. I think he seemed extra happy to see me. I imagine his relief, recognizing the woman he thought he fell in love with.

Here’s the thing, though. What makes today any different from any other day? Why is my psyche not bursting with unendurable pain?

today i did…

Absolutely nothing. I let the phone ring when insurance called about my prescription drug plan. I did not call the Offspring’s school about her absences – unexcused, because of me. I did not sort the stack of mail from the mailbox.

today i ate…

Junk food until Luz came over offering homemade ham soup. Luz brought her dog to play with mine, and the four of us had a nice visit. Luz knows I am buried under depression. I don’t have to fake anything around her.

today i binge-watched

Charmed. All. Day. Long.

today i didn’t…

Kick myself for binge-watching. I don’t know why. Strangest thing.


BF is sleeping next to me, muttering numbers in his sleep. I think his first language is numbers. God I love him so awful much, when I have the clarity of thought. He said tonight “I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s” and I said “good.” The world of retail doesn’t get to tell me how to treat people.


BF and I will be wearing matching underwear that I ordered online. I’m not against giving things on Valentine’s Day. I’m against being expected to give something.

It’s supposed to be the best underwear in the world. We’ll see about that.

Maybe it was the underwear that turned it around. It’s nice not to want to die.

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